Rendezvous with Light.

On an overtly sunny day just when the two fatigueless hands of the grand old church watch is ready for an unison vertically, gesticulating the omnipotent circular system to exude vociferous energy by encapsulating quantum of light rays and how many times have I got back to my dwelling giddily being vanquished by the ubiquitous reason.

Prodigal and light are two words which seems to be genetically so rich and their legendary richness has always barred the normal deluge and ebb. Too much of prodigal thought or exhibition of the same can cordon your consciousness and siege it to the crest, which in some of the isolated cases defies illuminating the grey areas behind the cordon. Well I wonder in the whirlpool of so many factoids, which has given me feeble intonation of extreme unlikely vacuum by keeping the rich glow at bay there by tightening the regular up and down movements.

Well have you ever felt like a dilapidated conossiure gaping at the swirling down colour-tampered leaves; yes autumn has just sneaked in and its time for them to create space for replenishment and initiate a new epoch. Though I always ask my friends not to use their treasured logic instead flow with the prowess of my thoughts; here I would give biological science a chance. For plants and trees, autumn means time to ejaculate all toxic materials it has deposited throughout the year and in the process; it changes its colour for a brighter start. But when do we clean up our system??

So categorically, we have a day that reckons the path breaking return of Lord Ram to Ayodha after squashing the fragile but malevolent dark sprit; the sacred land was caught in the obnoxious web and the special son of the land choose one particular day to wipe away all sorts of grimness from the face of his followers. With his divine foray Ayodha was lit up like never before celebrating the festival of light.

Like any other normal person, I have inculcated within me the art of anticipation and that could be just from the sheer thought of having a hope. However, there is no dearth of fervent expectation from her round the year but during this time of the year; glorified thoughts are lit up with energy burning all snags showing me an illuminating vista until the next rendezvous. HAPPY DIWALI. LET LIGHT PREVAIL.

Hills.

“Hills are the cry for the unreachable”...is it just a calligraphy?? Or what else can you deduce out of this tormented fiasco...by any chance are you trying to coil the free end of the string with the legendary silken beard, then you are virtuous with all the fictitious brilliance. Therefore, is he asking us to epitomise hill as coveted as possible, cry as a prodigal waste for the unreachables.

Well this is what best i could emasculate out of this sheer genius work but then i have an improvised definition or for that matter outlook. “Hills are the crystalline tears of the unvanquished” Yes today you might be the unvanquished but does that stop you from commemorating those serpentine roads up to the hills made of salted liquid.

Deliverance from misery.

Well I believe this voluntary space have become the den of plights, here i have bared all possible nuances of trouble and my not so pontificating virtues under upheaval situations. Almost all my write-ups are smudged with befitting agony, some are coherent but then you would also find abundance of trivial facts those, which have been baptised under my surveillance into misery. Even i have addressed some epochs which are completely unacquainted to the feel and meaning of misery but like a hot-air balloon which exhibits and enjoys independence from the strong tentacles but can hardly free itself from the string of anguish. Whenever i have made an attempt to flush out the sombre feel with the intoxicating merry broom there has been few sticky grave streaks denying to change its position. Like after a brief vehement shower the sun dazzles us with the hope of keeping the gloominess at bay but then it is so ephemeral, in no time the layers of dark clouds coated with tranquilizers puts the invincible glow at rest. deliverance

Like I have illustrated my misery, (according to some of my loyalists, this is what i do the best) but then life has many forms and facets and all are distinct in their own might. Distress has got its own share of space; what share?? Lot more than what it actually deserves. Now that i have this opportunity to fill up those lacerated plots, won’t i make maximum use of it? What is apprehension?? Well for me it’s the fear of practicing that much awaited trade which has one thing in common omen but has two potent polarised strengths. Never had the likes of Paul the octopus of FIFA the sole culprit for handpicking the favourites out of the soccer gala but still pretended to be a clairvoyant, which resonated only the wrong things at the right place eventually left the right place for the right things.

Like a novice who is instigated to pounce into the pool of water by his counterparts but when their boosting falls on his stoic approach they resort to the extreme. I have been one of the flamboyant fugitives and then came to a stunning halt just as the almighty wanted. Situations were fabricated i was under the impression that i have taken my definite guard, than the intoxicated “ME” took all those serpentine lanes where i found all those alluring nectars with venom like aftermath. There has been no dearth of matters so far embellishments of my tough times are concerned; all got its apt manifestation. Surprisingly received some inspiring pats for displaying antecedents with ill-omened fillings. Like a pilot who is out of the cockpit for a long time simply needs some quality time for practice before he can fly again with no hesitation; I also can’t deliver the awful anymore as i am out....Yes I AM OUT OF IT.

I am out of many things but more importantly has started following the path of renunciation from the latent fear psychosis of something inauspicious when the arena isn’t so sulking. Result is commendable; life is an arsenal of surprises and i have missed out in so many occasions when i was so close by it. Can’t mention it to be a revamp but there has been some significant changes, one needs to cover both the extreme poles in life as it facilitates to have a thorough understanding of all the contours and experience turbulence and serenity in cycle. Life for me is some -what similar to the long cascading hair of a women; if it is left open for too long the rowdy free ends after a brief affluent show-off becomes adulterated, so forming BUN which apparently defines complications allows you to siphon the best through its free ends and the coil forms a shield during ordeal.

Lunch at an up-market restaurant, movie at a multiplex, trying out couple of vehement colours for shirts and t-shirts, filling the shelf with bottles of fragrances, certainly seems to be a glossary of sheen showing its rear end to self-manifested misery. Here i have an iota of contradiction to clear off, though there are people who imbibe such practises to hide bald facts but now here i am fostering the same with no clandestine laceration. Well it took me the whole of eternity to scrub the tarnish (some self- imposed) and allow the sheen to surface making it more vibrant and radiant. If you accept the universal fact that life has two significant sides to it, dull&bright then it is very much in accord to day&night, darkness of night exemplifies end of all sorts of vivaciousness and the popular wait for ray of hope, again a bright day scatters the obnoxious jinx. After a prolong wait the morning glow broaches hues of inspiration from the peril but can you ask the hapless dark to shrink a bit before it takes over, allowing you to bask in the glory for some more time than usual. CONFUSED...?? Well the answer is a complete no, its just another combination like H2O, 2 molecules of hydrogen and 1 molecule of oxygen. Quite simple to elucidate and equally difficult to put it in real perspective use, the axis on which life revolves is conditioned only to dark&Light .

Any small achievement can give you a paramount feel provided you have someone to share it with, and then finally that huge feeling will find a permanent abode in you. Still happy with the big feel journey which has enhanced the hope of erecting an edifice by multiple folds. That “someone” was nowhere in the big space but with some positive development the unprecedented someone took the impeccable charge of the proceedings. This time I made full use of the bright side by letting the glue to dry out thereby allowing the panic-stricken misery to drift away for good...well had this been possible then darkness would had lost its enmity forever and regulated pain the fuel for spanking comebacks would had only been a thought devoid of the real feel.

Did I just rush to the conclusion? Yes, i also feel so but then pardon me for this abrupt finish, as I need to embark on the cruise, which has promised me deliverance from misery.

So let’s commemorate my new found ecstasy....................................................

Embark on aTechjourney.

The compartment was filling up, the yellow bulbs had almost given up to the luminescent tubes of the AC coaches which left very little power for the redundant. Come let me set a rendezvous with one more paradox; yes, the S3 coach of Puri – Howrah express apparently looked no better than an old testament of yesteryear glory and pride, which has forgotten the meaning of sheen. Ignorance has become the new sobriquet but still runs on the rail to exhibit the glittering contour of growth.

Girls and women didn’t have much options in terms of clothing no matter how sticky and clammy it was, but we guys wore stuffs which were short and had customized slits, thus invited the gusty wind through the section which portrayed as a smuggled passage of ultimate sense of satisfaction rather than loud sight. The bay in which i had my berth booked had two more likes of young breed like me, (was bit sceptical using the thought of “Similar breed” because of malapropism). One seemed to be the protégé and the other at the helm of the same discipline. They were caught in the whirlpool of techno functional discussion. Just don’t remember how they initiated the whole thing because by the time i seated next to them they were already mulling over subjects and facts which ostensibly looked devoid of head and tail to me but still managed to surpass the undercurrent. The express was not very consistent with its speed, it came to gradual halt or just propelled itself when it saw some colours other than green but there was no stopping for them. The protagonist sat on my left with his legs clasped close to his torso and the character that provided with all the required impetus to make him roar and soar was placed diagonally opposite to me. Thus while i heard him with all ears i also managed to freeze those flabbergasted countenances from the other side. Taking into account that it is the same express that transcends the same route frequently, i found it to be much bewildered compared to our bay commander –in charge. He was akin to any other protagonist with his ubiquitous presence.

Long back, some sort of antagonistic system virus breached within me since then i have always had problem with system compatibility but still i could convincingly make out through their overt discussion that both of them belong to the newly touted silicon valley of east India (Bhubaneswar). He relaxed his legs and started some programme on which he is working currently, threw some code at his avid partner to deduce, probably he knew but never had sooo much time. Therefore, it was more like a game of squash; he was hitting the human wall harder and faster with every clue and the wall just gave it back with almost same veracity for him to do the honour. The protagonist was a clear overnight star in his work like some of our bollywood stars, he was just in the 2^nd year of his profession but exhibited likes of a veteran. He was playing to the gallery about his position in the office team, how in no time he has become the cynosure of all eyes, about his significant contributions which were no less than the blue prints of the recent projects. How he shoved the resplendent onsite chance to London just because he didn’t like the manager who was a heck of a person. His placid partner was a new recruit in the same company and needed some time to find that saddle which his just senior was already boosting off. As a witness to this berserk plot, i can only lament, “The colt in disguise of an avid listener didn’t have the best of practices of breaking into a derby horse by his groom”.

The express started galloping with some heavy rattling clamour of the rails with the sparkling shiny wheels; night was flourishing so there was some relief for those blur yellow bulbs overcastted by cobwebs when those tiring hands started to put the black knobs in reverse direction one after another. By now the listener had ceased popping intermitting replies because his amplitude of thoughts and believes seemed nothing more than pygmies against the protagonist’s gigantism. One of our bay members couldn’t have it any more and forced the protagonist to move from his only and original position so that he could lift the middle berth and lay. Even I climbed the other middle berth of the same bay laid on my right side but just couldn’t avoid him. I sensed my perception changing fast; at the onset, i thought him and his mental faculties to be more polished and cultivated but now this sort of exaggeration was eroding the glitter and gave a barren look. “Down under” mock interview session was on but ironically, it was he who played both the interviewee and the interviewer. Of late, he was visiting the top B school campuses in the quest of management knowledge and he enlightened our dark bay into a management conference room; he framed questions and craned out answers like an orator who was delivering his favourite lines from his much-loved text. I found it hard to control my smirk at his vehement performance couldn’t he salvage the same for some big day or moment. Sitting there, he was flogging the policy makers for drafting salary fitments by which they would never be able to siphon the maximum out of techies like him. I jutted out my neck to get a glimpse of the protégé who was just underneath me on the lower berth; he laded prostrate eyes half closed just giving the commander in chief some back up to finish the remaining programmes. Hey i can’t wait anymore to bestow him with the cult image of paradox or the machine that ejaculates only shock, Half of the HR professional from IT was after his coveted knowledge arsenal everybody wanted him to give a small pie with which they will build that extra edge. But he wanted some real respite thus he is planning strategically to elope donning the mantle of a B school student.( All my HR friends how does it fell? Do you really wana hire such a talent for your company and then do helicopter surveillance to preserve him?? or would you mind keeping your stable empty for some time unless you get somebody just average).

Lashes came closure and locked though tender but anti – porous to all kinds of illumination. All the cumbersome discussion didn’t taunt me any more i just sank in the acute folds of serenity. So it was curtain for him in my theatre the lights of my consciousness was on; dismantling the concocted plots and dousing the self drafted questions with lining of vengenence. Unlikely the train was before time thus most of them was snoring it out but i ensured with my early rise that i craved for my home more than others did. While dismounting from my berth I saw him lying nonchalance, overworked and a fugitive from cognitive driven omnibus. I stepped ahead leaving him to enjoy a tiny sabbatical until the protégé nudged him awake to straighten the skew. Thus, I disembarked from a tech – journey without any iota of tech knowledge.

2009 A odyssey Year

Unlike any corporations, i do not maintain a profit and Loss account of my life year by year rather i have never followed any particular year so closely and have never realized so many upheavals with tempting aftermaths. A tumultuous year; An eye opener; A check with realty; could be the ideal ways to describe 2009 for me. For the first time I would like to dissect, the last year among so many of my life in search of some soul piercing occult ideologies of life.

For more focus and better evaluation, i would divide it into four quarters.

Jan-Feb-March.

The clamour of deadly recession knitted with stupefying silence gutted me like many others. 2009 was ushered in with pessimistic anticipation to reinforce some of the blurred big dreams. Every morning newspaper of January bought in the stories of grater plight of economy spreading like contagious epidemic; but it also catered some respite to me knowing that the best of the bests churns has also been tore apart by the sharp edge scalpel widely known as recession. All my sent mails had a word doc attachment to it, but my inbox was scantly cluttered with all sorts of advertisements other than job. I was never counting on Feb given its size but it was a friend of mine from a job consultancy who zeroed on me only because we are friends.

7^th of Feb: Early morning around eight i was on my way to Alipore road. From Hazra i hopped into a Kiderpore bound Auto rickshaw. Intermittingly i was taking out the piece of paper from my pocket, which had the office address and the name of the building. A colour smudged face with befitting scarlet lips, the end of the sari tucked under the black petticoat inviting stares into her naval pith, waiting on the railing of Kalighat bridge. Some time back i had read in a local magazine that the thorns of recession have not even spared these unfortunates, so she doesn’t even have time to allow her mutilated body with some rest after a forced night. Therefore, she was all ready at her venue for business and i was on my way to it. After several rounds of interview and medical check-up i was given the offer cum training letter by Glaxo smithkline for the role of Medical Representative.

Glaxo Smithkline breached the obnoxious jinx with events which made me feel like a countess, for training i went to Mumbai for the first time in a three tier AC, was booked at a posh and pompous four-star hotel in Juhu for twenty odd days. By the mid of March i reported at my headquarters in Kolkata. In the all India, training programme i was a significant performer but that was just a sliver of the greater task ahead. I was licked by the new system but i was not a formless lump of flesh thus never surrendered to the new dice to put the cast on me. So i ended the first quarter with substantial profit margin derived out of the pragmatic doctrines.

Apr-May-Jun.

With the onset of one more fresh and glowing summer, i felt clammy. It was like one of those humid days; when you long for thundershowers but that longing does not cramp you from excising your mundane rituals of keeping the uneasiness at bay. Therefore, every morning with the cult bag by my side i made towering promises without giving any wild thought to the underprepared foundation. Whereas on one side i kept on anointing all those baseless promises which never got emancipated but on the other side i never ceased dreaming about my own targets which apparently looked magnanimous but not invincible.

April being the start of the second quarter and the first for me on the job i was given some very modest targets of calling some leading dermatologist in my defined territory and doing the rounds of chemist shops on daily basis. Although it looked simple given the brand with which i was associated but i kept on failing and the only sole reason for such a debacle was my alienation from the job. Where my fellow cotemporaries were hitting both the field and the sales targets regularly which bought them some early accolades in the form of praise and appreciation letter; i was making my life miserable with unnecessary pressure. My perturbed manager went on enquiring about the problem or the problems i was facing with my job. He was all there to play the mentoring role but what can the mentor do with a subject, which is all distorted with aspirations’ and is practising Anthethesis mode.(though i have realized his noble endeavour recently)

Even “May” was no better than the preceding month; i was regretting for the hasty move but then what could i have done, for three months i was jobless before this happened and there was no looking back then. I wanted to relinquish the very profiting job but then what next; and to make it worse i was bleeding emotionally(blood was oozing out profusely but the clotting material was never seen). So stood there transfixed gaping at the vocational option which could have offered in loads but surely not in the way i wanted to have it. Situation was such that the luscious jobless condition wilted under the atrocious flame of obsoleteness or i was never of any use to her; it was just my feeling of being the new thing in her life.

9^th June i was just sure that few decisions of life which are made in hurry or in false perception can never sow wonders but can give you insightful lessons which might facilitate in the long and tedious journey of landmark success. I whole-heartedly accepted the fact that my decision to embark on a Sales Marketing profile job was never correct; probably i would never enjoy something like this. At least the unyielding job guarded the copious flow of emotion for sometime in a day but now it was my turn to wade through some of the agonized feelings without any stoppages; just the way some of my acquaintances have done in the past with due credit to me.

So finished the second quarter with one of the most coveted learning of mortal life “What goes around that comes around”.

Jul-Aug-Sep.

Now every know nook and corner had an unknown sobriquet with fear all around; fear of running away from my own dilapidated shadow(how can one live disowning its own shadow). Thoughts clogged my dilated lungs and formed indelible wrinkles on my body. “Arko” was no more just a colleague; even he had left his job and now we made a great combo. Given that, particular point there was number of things in common between us and thus we gelled standing rebel to the signature theory of science that “Like poles repel each other”. ( Skew between pure science and behavioural science). He was god’s apostle sent for me who allowed me to puke the most irritating memories on him and never asked questions about the stains; appeared upright with a single summon pampering all my dogmatism; sufficed me with all the crude suggestions wrapping it with the transparent muslin which never restricted my sight from reality and the softness gave some relief to the existing scars.

The dark heavy cloud was dishevelled by the omnipotent rays but the threat of overcast loomed by the sideline. The harbinger of godly charm had already descended on earth to give face-lift to all possible sorts of grey numbness. The city was roaring to go; (while whitewashing the wall few streaks of split go unnoticed later on the same streaks evolves into lethal cracks). I ambulated in the gala crowd but couldn’t form a admixture with it; just as water never does it with oil no matter what is the percentage of ratio. By this time, i had some very clear indications that this state of emotional indifference is here to stay; there is not much i can do on my own and was desperately seeking for a solitary hibernation mode during those four days in which this city wears its most courteous apparel and platters the best hospitality to the lady with ten hands and her children. As they say every cloud has a silver lining to it; probably she saw one of her son in sublime desperation and agony and thought of gifting him with a job in disguise of engagement.

So just before DURGA PUJA i had a job of my own and this time every possible nuances of my life was at stake (it was like a branch hanging over the sticky quagmire which had gutted me to its bottom; i tried clinging to it but then was pulled back by the creepers of heartbreaking memories, My conscious effort to hold the branch was there and one day my nervous fingers showed solidarity towards my state and endeavour to change it and i left the bottom and raked my fragile torso from the pool of quintessential emotion contaminated by rage).

This quarter i befriended few souls irrespective of age those who tendered the empathetic treatment over phony sympathetic diagnosis.

OCT-NOV-DEC.

Like the catastrophe hit dwellers of the coastal region who after mulling over their never changing sorry fate plunge into erecting edifice with intermitting gusto only to realize some better days in life; i was also there sweeping the debris and recollecting some of my serious wishes which i had left in the midway due to sheer ignorance.

This job gave me a sense of back to normality; i started to reckon that all would be well in sometime. The treatment had just started and i was recovering but then the relapse rate was also quite high. Surprisingly even after being dumped which made me feel like an obsolete i could manage to slip in with my new acquaintances in office pretty well. Couple of my old friends even complained the way i looked; according to them, my behaviour was not exuding my kind of individuality and if i continue to be like this then they would not mind calling me a NERD. Here in office nobody complained about the way i looked but at times became inquisitive about my everlasting frown. Some said i keep on shuttling between few moments of high and eternity of low (yes you guys are right i was never like this; probably in some time i will strike a ideal balance between high and low and then again be high on high).

In the mean time, i did not enact any act of reconciliation with her but made countless silent prayers for a miracle. I thought it to be a test of patience and perseverance and never wanted to lose hope; every night i went to bed with some sort of eagerness to see a new morning which would have something miracle in it. Slowly that eagerness fizzled out because now i bought in extra baggage of fatigue everyday from my workplace. This lady whom i knew now for almost some years; yes at least three odd. No not the same one about whom i have been hinting above for so long.

It was the last day of 2006, the man in the Vodafone kiosk was punching my number for easy recharge and there she stood taking a correct note of the same by eavesdropping. Since then we kept on exchanging few texts; starting with the anonymous ones followed by pseudo identity. Ironically, it was me who pounced on her without any invitation every time through wee hour phone calls, buzzing her on the street during unscheduled trysts because we lived in adjacent locality. I was never perturbed by her disgusting ignorance because i was having more muses for rowdy passion. I lost her number so did she (actually both of us pretended to be careless) but this muse never passed away in the oblivion as four eye balls caught each other very frequently through adrenaline rush rendezvous. Time went on but i could see no apparent amendment in her gestures towards me; so she was there in the loop of lust but was cornered by few more numbers.

Now i met her by chance and this time she greeted me lot more gracefully something, which was not very much expected out of her. I was no more a jumping jack ready for the plunge, more of the docile kind. Was lacking the coherent mannerisms of charm and failed to latch on to the signs of truce. Gradually our proximity increased and the same girl who could have been one of the muse now tendered her uncompromising vastness in an endeavour to make optimum space for me where i could dry the scars and start concocting joyful moments.

We started meeting almost regularly without any reinforced pretexts and by now, she had started jutting out unambiguous vehement prospective signals of availability but still i managed to put-up a sincere indifference to anything and everything. But as they say “only a woman can downsize the pain given by some other woman”.

In December she made a unceremonious foray into my tumultuous realm and proclaimed better pragmatic changes over ephemeral high-rise. She projected me right at the forefront so that nothing remains hidden behind the aisle and simultaneously ignited the latent vigour to face-off the blatant fact. She was now the “Omnipresent SHE” in my life and once again, i wanted to start afresh.

This has undoubtedly been an eventful year and it has indoctrinated me with the small secret of how to gain calm in the most delirious situations; hopefully 20-10 would teach me how to maintain calm when good times will confiscate me gracefully.